This is a picture of me when I was somewhere around 15-16 years old. 

At this time in my life, I did not like myself very much.  People told me that I was pretty, but I thought they were just being nice and I didn’t believe it to be true.  I had such low self worth.  It wasn’t fair to me or God.  I felt awkward, out of place, and out of control.  I desperately wanted control over my life, my emotions, and feelings.  I put my self worth in to other peoples hands and that is a huge mistake that I made for too long of a time.

It took me a good 10 or more years to realize that being/feeling pretty is a choice.  Appreciating yourself is a choice.  You have to accept who you are first.  Everyone has flaws, but even especially those flaws are beautiful.  I could complain about the stretch marks on my belly, but those marks remind me of the three children that I worked so hard to birth.  The scars on my arms and calluses on my hands remind me of all the years in kitchens, that I wouldn’t trade for a moment.  And I have many more “reminders” on my body of working hard, playing hard, and not holding back on life at all.  And that is me. And I can honestly say that I like myself.

I look at myself back then and wish that I had appreciated the beauty, the life, that I had.  And then I realize that 10-20 years from now, I am going to wish the same thing about my 30’s.  So, today and every day after today I choose to find myself beautiful.  I choose to concentrate on the things about myself that I can easily love so that I can also love the things about myself that are hard to love. 

I always thought that self esteem is something that you are either born with or something that you have because you are beautiful.  I thought that since I had low self esteem, it meant that I wasn’t beautiful.  Self esteem is just sometimes one of those things that you have to work on.  Emotional stability is not a gift.  It is something that you have to fight hard for.  It takes a lot of trial and error and it takes patience and practice. 

I almost gave up on life as a teenager because I just couldn’t handle the sadness that consumed me.  I just couldn’t break through.  But, I held on and one day I did break through and I have never looked back.  Do I feel pretty every day?  Dear Lord, no.  But, I accept those days as they come and I know the next day I will can feel differently.  It is entirely up to me. 

And in looking back, so many people tried to help me.  I am not sure, but I don’t think that anyone could have turned my life around back then.  It was something that I had to struggle with and do for myself.  Well, that isn’t entirely true, many people made an impact on my life, I just didn’t know it at the time.  The mistakes I made, the poor judgment, the trial and error.  It all made me the person I am today.  I had to live through some darkness to truly appreciate my life.  And that I do. 

One last thought.  At certain times in my life I think I was actually afraid to believe I was beautiful.  Maybe I was afraid to live up to a standard.  Afraid of what people thought.  I don’t know.  But, being afraid to love myself is a confusing thing.  Fear should not be in that equation.  Loving myself is a tribute to God.  He created me and I appreciate everything He has done for me.  And if I can learn to love myself with all my flaws, maybe my daughters can do the same….at a much earlier age than I did. 

The “tooth fairy” was successful.  I managed to get in, circle “girl” on the note Charly left and leave a dollar without waking anyone up.

I can’t wait to hear what she has to say in the morning about it, lol.

Edit:  I just realized that I saved this in my drafts instead of publishing it.  So, here is a picture from last week after Charly had her tooth pulled.
And in the morning, she was so excited to show me the note and tell me she has a girl tooth fairy! lol

@adventureswithbrett and I went to ride some trails and do some orienteering tonight.  It was my first time doing both.  It was quite the adventure.  It took me a little bit of time to get the hang of biking down the trails.  But, it was exhilarating as well.  I did “wipe out” at one point when I hit some sand and couldn’t make it through.  The front tire spung around and my leg got caught in between the handle bars and the middle of the bike.  It hurt a bit, but I was able to get back on and keep going.  The second time around I didn’t wipe out at that same spot and I almost was able to ride through the whole sand part.  Little progress is good.  And the downhill with “ledges”, I got a bit better, but I am definitely not real comfortable yet.

After about 4 miles on the trails we went over to another part of Yankee Springs to do the orienteering. 

~Brett after his find through some very thick thicket. (redundant, I know) But, it was really thick and lots of prickers.

~Me with my first “find”.  Ok, I led with the compass and Brett spotted it.  I was a couple degrees off, but not too far off for my first crack at orienteering.

~Brett leading the way. The terrain in this pic doesn’t look too bad, but we went through some pretty thick brush, prickers, trees, and I don’t even know what else. It was quite the experience.

~Which leads me to the pictures of my legs.  This shows just a little bit of the scrapes I managed to get.  I have them all over my legs.  Top, bottom, front back.  Pants would have been a good idea, but we just didn’t think ahead like that.  My shower tonight was just a tad bit painful. A tad.  I am really hoping there was no poison ivy.  So far so good.

I can definitely say that tonight’s experience with biking and orienteering has just gotten me more excited for our adventure race next weekend.  CAN.  NOT.  WAIT. 

Cindy’s birthday dinner:

Herb crusted pork loin
Scalloped Potatoes
Roasted Asparagus
French bread/butter
Peanut butter brownies
(not pictured) Choice of black cherry or mint chocolate chip ice cream

Edit:  Can you tell which of the peanut butter brownies Peyten “helped” with?? lol

It is 9:30.  Two hours past bed time and little girl is still trying to get out of bed.  She has had some stretches were we thought she was settled down, but nope. 

This situation will definitely impact my ability to run at night.  And since that is the only time I can run, well….we will just see how this goes. 

On a positive note, Aydan went poop on the potty tonight!  I know, that isn’t too exciting for you non parents out there, but that is a huge thing in our house.  Aydan has been struggling for quite some time.  He still has a long way to go, but it is a step in the right direction.

Peyten went poop last Friday.  She had “accidentally” gone a couple weeks ago, but she actually said she had to go and went on Friday.  And she did it again yesterday.

Soon.  Soon we will be diaper free!  Still a ways to go, but at least there is progress!! :)

We though we could postpone it as long as we could.  Or we hoped that the day would never come.  But, it is here.

PEYTEN HAS FIGURED OUT THAT SHE CAN GET OUT OF HER CRIB.

Charly and Aydan figured out this handy little bit of info much sooner than Peyten did.  We moved them to big kid beds much sooner because of this fact as well.  But, Peyten, even though that girl gets in to and figures out EVERYthing in the house, getting out of the crib was just one of those things that didn’t dawn on her.  Until now. 

Now, not all of you KNOW Peyten.  The first year of Peyten’s life we called her “laid back Peyten”.  She slept great at night.  She napped well.  She would relax in her bouncy.  She was a pretty easy baby.  Well, pretty much at that one year mark we realized that she was laid back because she was sitting back, watching, waiting, learning.  Now.  Now, she is “crazy girl”.  Just crazy.  She is pretty much non stop all day long.  It is hard to explain, but she has a …

Ok, so as I was typing that, an example presented itself:
We had put a gate up in front of Peyten’s room for her nap time.  It doesn’t keep her in her bed, but it keeps her from sprinting down the hall and squealing every two minutes.  Well, she had been in her room for about an hour and she actually got some quiet time in.  But, as I was typing the above, she opened her door, peaked her head over the gate and started yelling down the hallway “poopy!”
Great.  She usually isn’t bluffing when she says that.  I go down to check out the situation and she runs back in the room and I notice her pants are off and her shirt is just long enough that I wasn’t sure what was under there.  Then I saw the diaper and all the poop on the changing table.  Apparently she had gotten up there and tried to change herself?  Who knows.  But, it was on her hands.  I threw her in the shower and luckily it appears that the poop issue was isolated to her hands and the changing table.  I hope. 

So, that is a little bit of the crazy that we deal with, with her. 

The other night, the first night she figured out how to get out of her cribe, we had put her in her big girl bed at first and she got out twice, so we said it was back to the crib.  And to my surprise, less than a minute later, here comes Peyten down the hallway.  And the twenty more times after that, she would come sprinting full speed down the hallway, squealing!  She thought it was so exhilarating to bust out of that room every time.  She’d run down the hallway and in to the kitchen or living room and run circles. 

Aydan and Charly were both a bear teaching them to stay in bed.  Charly, I remember hours of “fun” each night.  One time she cried so much that she made herself throw up.  Other times it was just up down up down, over and over.  Eventually we wore her down and she stayed in bed.  She still would get up once or twice, but nothing like before.
Aydan was just as persistent as Charly and if I remember correctly, it went on longer for him…months maybe?  What worked for Aydan is a cold shower.  We told him if he got out of bed, he would get a cold shower.  And then of course he did and we gave him a cold shower.  He did not like that one bit.  And after that, the threat of a cold shower, is all it took to keep him in bed. 

Peyten.  I am not sure what will work with Peyten.  We shall see.  She is a different personality than Charly and Aydan.  And they are so different from each other.  For now, I pray to God for patience.  And I thank God each day that there is both Mark and me to handle this.  Because after the kid gets out of bed a couple ten times, you need someone to tag team.  It is the only way to stay sane.

I have said this many times.  And I can say it about each of my kids for different reasons.  They have some incredible qualities that will be excellent to have when they are older.  It just so happens those same qualities are the ones that make our job as their parents that much harder!

Here is her post shower, crazy hair, I am going to cheese as hard as I can, picture lol:

….or at least I haven’t remembered any of the things I have forgotten.

I figure either way, I’m ok.  Well, until I remember I suppose.  Ok, now I am just rambling.  I could be a little tired.  Possibly.

On the remember list:
Buy s’mores fixins for bonfire on Sunday - check
Make fudge for an order - check
Buy Luke a birthday gift - check
Pay bills - check
Bring glscrip info and cards to church - in bag, ready by the door - check
Bring snacks for sunday school - in bag, ready by the door - check

Today was a good day.  This morning I attending a pre-annual conference briefing.  It was informative and I got to meet a few new people. 
I came home and was able to get some cleaning done.  And Mark and Justin took a dining room set up to the church for the Youth to use, so that cleared some space. 
After Mark came home from helping up at the church with a few things, I took off for my run that I previously posted about.
By that time, it was slow-it-down time and we relaxed while the kids ran around.  And then we gave them baths and got them ready for bed.  
After the kids were in bed, I stopped at the store and then went to the church and did some sweeping and mopping. 
It was about 9:30 when I got home.  I made the fudge and now I am watching some Fringe.  I may even make it to bed before midnight tonight! 

Tomorrow is church in the morning and then Chuck E Cheese in the evening!  My nephew is 5 years old!!

4.4 miles
47 min 24 sec
Not a good run at all.  At all.  As you can see from my post-run-red-face-grimace.

I set out today for a much needed, patiently waited for, run.  I wore my hydration pack to see how it would do on a long run.  I wondered about weight, bouncage, chafing, etc.  And I can say, despite the hideous run, the pack did really well and I think it will work well for my adventure race.

Reasons why this was not a successful run (and what I thought about the entire run):
1.  I have been drinking water lately, but clearly not enough.  I felt dehydrated from the get go.
2.  It is that time of the month and well…it is like starting a run when your body is already using 40% of its energy.  It always amazes me, seriously.  So lethargic. 
3.  I haven’t run in 85 degree weather in a long time.  So thick and muggy!
4.  I tried out a energy chew before hand and it tasted pretty gross.  It clearly did not give me any added energy, but it did give me some really nasty burps.  Yeah, gross.  Never again.
5.  Due to all of the above, I had several bouts of “am I going to throw up?”  Oh, maybe?  Oh, maybe not. 
6.  And due to all of the above, I was a bit dizzy through the whole run/walk.  And yes, I did walk many times.  That is rare for me. 
7.  Allergies.  Itchy eyes.  Need I say more?
8.  The extra weight on my back.  It wasn’t much, but I am sure it didn’t help anything.  2 liters of water and some other supplies. (so it was similar to the pack I will be wearing during the adventure race)

At mile 3, I seriously considered calling Mark to pick me up.  I was rather dizzy and water just wasn’t good.  I ended up spitting it out instead of swallowing.  But, I pushed through and after a little walking, I was able to run again.  Before long, I could see the road that my house is on and with that visual, I just kept pushing forward and eventually made it home.  Sweet home.  A cold shower was a must after all that!

I just can’t believe how incredibly bad the run was.  This was by far, the worst run of my life.  I intended to run for about 2 hours and of course, I didn’t even make half that.  BUT, despite the bad run, I am sure it helped me a bit in the long run.  It was still a good work out.  I sweat quite a bit.  I got my heart rate up.  And I earned my supper.  I can’t feel bad about that.  I could have very easily sat it out today knowing at least 5 out of the 8 items above.  But, I did it anyway and that is what counts. 

When in doubt, always run!

So, you just roll with it. 

Charly woke up today with a rash all over her arms and legs.  We have no idea what it is, but are afraid it is contagious because the pharmacist said a couple kids have come in with it.  So, we are pumping her with benadryl and keeping her out of the sun and away from people. 

Mark had some things to do at the church, so I stayed home with the kids.  Aydan and Peyten went down for a nap and I rearranged the basement. 

The basement didn’t turn out good at all.  I was hoping for more space and I think I ended up with less.  Ah well.  It was too much moving to go back.  I will just wait a week or so and try again.  It is a constant project of cleaning, organizing, and purging.  Fun fun. 

Charly, my 6 year old, had a tooth pulled earlier today at the dentist.  It was so sad to see her in pain like that.  She was also so loopy from the gas.  Which was a bit funny of course.

Hours later, she is pretty much back to normal now. 

Well, the dentist put her tooth in a little box for her to take home.  She was upstairs getting ready for bed and then she ran downstairs to ask me a question.

Charly:  Mom, can I put my tooth under my pillow for the tooth fairy? 
Mom:  (pondering) Well, your tooth didn’t really fall out, it got yanked out, but I guess you can put it under there.  (like there are rules for teeth and fairies or something, lol)
Charly:  Thanks mom!  Oh, and can I also write a note asking them if they are a boy or a girl fairy?
Mom:  (with a big smile) Sure honey. 
Charly:  Thanks mom you’re the best!!  (and then she runs back upstairs to get the tooth and write the note)

Crud, now I have to see if I have some cash or change somewhere…..
Oh, the imaginations of children, I love it. 

The other day, she also thought the teachers at her school all slept there.  No honey, they go home and have lives of their own as well.  Too funny:)